Sunday, February 26, 2012

Going Bra-less

My barometer for whether or not the day ahead of me will be productive depends on my bra.  To clarify, it depends on my desire to wear a bra or not.  My ultimate chill-out-and-do-nothing wardrobe is made up of my most comfortable pajamas, stretchy yoga pants and any old t-shirts that are too ratty and stained to wear out in broad daylight.  Bras are optional with these outfits because I wouldn't dare leave home wearing any of them.  If I have no plans to leave home on any given day, there is no need to stuff my "girls" into an uncomfortable bra.  You see, I have worked in education most of my career so I get a ton of holidays off throughout the year.  Summer vacations, winter breaks, and all federal holidays grant me plenty of days at home.  For this very reason, I have to keep my "stay at home" drawer of clothing well stocked.

Bra-less days are usually those when I am either sick, pretending to be sick or in need of a mental health day.  Regardless of the reason, my bra-less days in the house are always low key and void of stress.  I move slowly on purpose when my boobs are unrestrained.  Literally! You can't get all worked up and move around too quickly or the boobs will go flying around in varying directions.  Getting hit in the face with a loose heavy boob can be both painful and painfully unattractive.  Someone (namely me!) could accidentally get knocked unconscious if I run up the stairs too quickly without anything to strap the girls down.  Who wants to end up in the emergency room having to explain that my swinging loose boobies are the cause of my black eyes?  Imagine a doctor trying hard not to laugh while he or she tells me the nipple imprint on my face will take days to fade.  Don't laugh...boob safety can be a serious issue.

My breasts stopped looking perky two pregnancies ago.  Whenever they are sans bra, the transformation seems to age me at least 15 years into the future.  Although I might look like a hot mess when I am not wearing a proper brassiere, I feel completely relaxed and at ease.  My don't-give-a-sh*t attitude goes on display loud and proud.  The doorbell gets ignored and the phone goes unanswered because I shift all attention away from activities that require congeniality on any level.  It is important that I use these days sparingly because doing this too often in a house full of men can make me seem like a slob.  If my sons only see me in this deep state of relaxation every now and then, I am in no danger of losing my queenly status any time soon.

The last several weeks have been way too busy and I have whined endlessly about needing some down time.  Now that I have it this weekend, I've been too afraid to leave the house for fear that I will waste my precious "me time" on some dreadful household duty like grocery shopping or playing taxi driver on a kiddie errand.  My hubby surprised me by taking the boys on a guys' outing and left me all alone in the house, staring at four piles of unfolded laundry and a dishwasher begging to be unloaded.  Instead of launching into a house cleaning frenzy, I took the avoidance route and used the time to download a new smutty romance novel on my eReader.  This quiet time required the proper relaxation attire, so I took a quick shower and changed into my unsexiest pajamas.  I washed off the layers of make up and left the bra in the underwear drawer where it would remain until it was absolutely necessary to wear it again.  Laziness was the first item on the agenda and I was all too ready to call that to order.

That was almost 24 hours ago and as I type this, I am still indeed bra-free.  I have not left the house.   I also have not applied any make up to my face yet or attempted to make my hair presentable.  The bra hasn't been touched at all.  Isn't it grand to be able to embrace this ultimate status of female freedom?  Every woman should be allowed to burn a few bra-less days every so often and not be judged for it.  Of course, they have to be used with discretion and with the strict promise that no bra-less individual will leave their home and force unsuspecting strangers to have to encounter loose boobs in a public setting.  It is for their own safety after all.  Loose boobs are a hazard to the environment and therefore must be contained to one's private residence.  If you are among the extreme minority of women that has never experienced a day like this, then you are truly missing out.  Remember to play by the rules of going bra-less and be sure to exercise this option only when you need it most.  After all, we women work hard to keep all our balls juggling in the air at once.  It is perfectly okay if a ball (or boob) needs to fall free every once in a while.

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